Beloved..

No, this is not a picture of my Beloved. In my opinion she is far more beautiful than this. However, this picture does make me think of her as does most everything. Beloved and I recently decided to try being just friends and see where nature takes our relationship. It is the single most gut wrenching thing I've ever endured. I feel like my heart is in a vice.. It hurts to breathe.. But.. I want her to be happy. No matter what the cost to me. So.. We're trying it. I can only hope that her feelings for me return and she can come back to me soon. I think the only place I'm happy anymore is my dreams, where I can once again be with her the way we were before. So.... Dream Love: I lay in my bed, cold and alone. Curling into a fetal position to close the hole in my chest where my heart once was. Tears stream silently down my face.. I can't let anyone see my pain. Slowly the merciful darkness of sleep pulls me under, and once more I'm in your arms. Soft light flickers across your face as I brush back silken strands of hair to gaze into the warm dark pools of your eyes. I capture your perfect lips in a kiss, savoring the sweetness of you on my tongue. Your fingertips trace fire across my soul and I shiver as you consume me. Your skin is like satin under my hands and mouth and I inhale as much of you as I can before daybreak. As the sun rises you whisper to me that you'll return with the moon, and the tears shatter my solace. Once again I am alone.. sobbing quietly into my pillow for you to come back. Lonely and broken I must rise again and face a new day bravely, counting down the hours until nightfall and the return of my dream love.

Crying Myself to Sleep and Choking on Three Little Words I'm Not Allowed to Say

Beloved and I decided to just try being friends. Let things work themselves out, let nature take it's course, see where we go. I'm terrified. I don't want to lose her. What if she falls for someone else, or we just quit talking entirely?? This is the single hardest thing I've ever done in my life. She says that maybe if we date other people and tell each other about it as close friends then we'll fall for one another again. The problem with that is.. I never fell out. She says she's not dating, that she won't even be looking, and I trust her, truly I do... But.. I have no desire to date anyone else. I wish I knew what to do. I love you Beloved. I know I'm not supposed to tell you that, but... It's the truth.. My heart hurts....

Poor Gigi!!

She had a really bad stroke Sunday with a seizure and everything. She wasn't sure for a while who she was, where she was, or who the hell everyone around her was, but she's much better now. Kristy said she's up and around and remembering, so it's good. I guess I'll be back at work soon, but I'm not sure. I've actually kind of missed working.. Though maybe not the hospital. Lol. I hope everything turns out alright. :)

Back to work..

Have I mentioned that I bloody hate hospitals?? Lol. Poor Gigi is back in the hospital, she was having some colon problems and passing blood, so now we're back here. I've been staying with her through the night this week. Idk how much longer she's going to be here, but I'm not sure how many more times I can be awakened at 4 in the morning by a loud ass nurse coming in and taking blood. I might shoot someone. Other than that though, it's been really easy. :) Plus it's been good to be back at work. I just wish Gigi felt better. :(

Blog

I can't always come up with clever titles, so you get Blog. Lol. Today was a fun day.. got up and cleaned the house a little bit, then this boy that Staci likes came over, and he got here right as Travis and Dani came to drop off the baby. :) I fed her breakfast and we played with her and visited with Shawn for a while, and then he left and we cooked dinner. Travis and Dani came to eat, and we had a nice visit. Momma cooked one of my favorite meals!! Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and fried zucchini.. YUM! Now, I'm putting off doing the dishes. Ugh. Lol. There aren't that many, I did most of them before dinner, I'm just being lazy. I have to finish cleaning my room too... -Sigh!- I suppose I'll go do that then... J'Adore Beloved!! Cheers!

Update

So, I haven't blogged in a long while. My last blog saw me really down in the dumps. I am still concerned about the future and my Beloved's feelings or lack thereof for me. However, we are able to talk a lot more lately, and I hope that that is a good sign. Optimistic Mandy is back! Lol. I can never be down too long, it's just not in my nature. I am confident again that I will regain her love. In other news: I turned 26 Saturday last. My family went on a big trip to San Antonio for the weekend. We went up there partly because my aunt bought our washer and dryer and we were delivering it. But, we also just wanted to get away and relax. We stayed at a really nice hotel and had a great time. We went to the zoo, my nieces first time!! She was adorable as ever, but wholly uninterested in the animals. I think she was a bit too young to truly understand. Lol. We went to Market Square and looked around too, and that was as fun as ever. Something we always do when we go there. We tried the pool, but it was really really chlorinated, and crowded. It was an indoor pool too, so every noise was echoed and made louder. Plus these stupid people had their kids in there while they were outside drinking and flirting, and they were jumping around and splashing, and it scared Jena. When I yelled at the second kid for jumping into the pool right next to the baby, mom decided it was time to go. I guess she figured I'm not usually the type to yell at other people, so if I'm saying something it's a big deal. It wouldn't have been except for my baby was there, and she was scared and I wanted to drown the cretin for doing it. I'm a bit protective of my niece. Lol. Also, my dad got the job at Trio!! He's got this truly hideous work van, I'll have to take a picture and post it so you can see how horrific it is!! Lol. But, I think he's so proud to have a job he doesn't care. Lol. It's great to see him happy again. My poor brother though.. He didn't do well enough in his apprenticeship class to live up to union standards, so the school dropped him and the company he was working for fired him! It's such crap. We're all so upset over it. He and his wife have been out every day this week job hunting. My little sister also wants to get a summer job, so that means all four of us are looking for employment now! Lol. I really hope we get something soon. It's so frustrating looking and not finding anything. Oh!! And we think that Jena is getting her first tooth on top!! :D She acts like she's chewing all the time, and I think she's clicking her teeth together because she likes the sound. It's SOOO ADORABLE!!!! Lol. Anyway, I think that's all for tonight. I'm starting a Diet Journal on here and I'll be writing in it every day, so hopefully I'll write more here too!! Lol. Well, nighty night!! Love you Beloved!! Cheers.