How Long Will a Broken Heart Beat?

How will I ever survive if she leaves me? I adore my Beloved. I can't believe I said something so stupid. I have to have her back. I don't even know what to write now.. I'm in so much pain.. She says if I hurt myself she'll end her life.. I don't want to live without her..

I Hate Myself..

I can't do anything right. My Beloved is leaving me again because I got angry and said the most idiotic thing I could ever say. I'm trying so hard to change and make up for the wrong I've done in the past, but.. I'm worthless.. I just am not good enough for her. I love her so very much.. If I don't have her I want to die.

Jenabeth

What's going on??

Aunt Staci stealing kisses!

Naptime With Aunt Mandy..

Soo Cute!!

Mommy Kisses!

Smiling in her sleep. :)

Praying Baby! :D

Watching Daddy..

Hey Pappy!! :)

She's 2 months old today!! I can't believe my little angel is growing up so fast! She's absolutely precious and her Aunt Mandy adores her!! :D Mom had to take them to the doctor today for her check up.. She's gotta get shots! :( I know it's to keep her healthy, but I still hate the thought. I can't wait to see her open presents on Christmas! :)

Decorating for Christmas!!

Today is one of my favorite days of the year! The house is all bustling and everyone is excited and giddy as children. We've got the boxes out and we're getting ready to decorate for Christmas!! Dad is outside planning the lights on the house, I'm cleaning my room so we can move some things from the living room into it to make room for the tree, when mom and sissy return we'll decorate the gate. I love decorating for Christmas. It puts me in a great mood. If only my Beloved were here to decorate with me. Someday soon my darling I promise. I love you.

Agony

She's not happy. I'm the cause of it. I swore I wouldn't be the cause of her unhappiness. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can summon the strength to leave her. Am I truly selfish enough that I would hold her to me even though she's miserable?? Apparently the answer is yes. I can't stand to lose her. It's breaking my heart that I cannot make her happy. Help.

Wake Up Call

Well, I awoke to a call from my Beloved this morning. She told me she missed me. I guess we're going to try and work everything out. I really hope we can. I'm terrified though that she's only faking her happiness. I can't stand the thought that she's suffering and putting on a happy face for my sake. -Sigh- I love her so very much. I will move Heaven and Earth to make her happy somehow. I know it's not going to be easy... But I'll try my hardest. Whatever it takes. I love you baby.

Dilemma

I'm not sure what will happen between my Beloved and me. She's not sure what she wants to do. We have a long distance relationship and it's proving pretty hard on her. This is my fault.. a fact I am well aware of. I don't mean to do any of the things that have hurt her so badly. I truly adore her and am certain that we are meant to be together and because of that things will work out between us. But she's unhappy. Her happiness is more important to me than anything else on this earth. She says she wants to leave me, but refuses to do so because she knows it will break my heart. Should I make the sacrifice and leave her so that she can find her happiness?? I think I should. I love her so much.. I don't want her to suffer. I refuse to be the cause of her unhappiness! And yet I cannot summon the strength to leave her. I just don't know how to live without her. We've been through so very much... I need her. She is the air I breathe, the very beat of my heart and soul. How do I give her up? How do I survive without air? The answer should be simple... Because she's unhappy... But... I'm weak. I'm so ashamed of my selfishness. I just can't help but hope that she'll decide she is happy with me and wants to stay not for me but for her. Yet, how will I ever know? How can I be sure if she's truly happy or merely faking it so she doesn't hurt me? What do I do?

The World Has Ended

At least it feels like it has. My Beloved is leaving me. Not that I really blame her I guess... I'm not good enough for her. All I ever do is hurt her. I don't make her happy anymore... I don't want to lose her... but her happiness is the most important thing to me. But I don't know how to survive without her. My world is collapsing. My heart has been ripped from my chest. The only thing that will keep me alive is the hope that one day she'll return to me. I will cling to that hope until I die. My Darling.. I never meant to hurt you... Please forgive me.

Shopping Exhaustion..

So we went for Black Friday shopping today as I said. It was fun, but draining. It's hard getting up and then fighting crowds all day. Lol. But it was good quality time with the fam. :) The only downside to the day is that I managed to upset my Beloved again. -Sigh- It seems to be what I'm best at. I don't mean to.. I adore my Beloved.. She's my world! I'm so afraid she will leave me. I suppose it would serve me right. I don't really deserve someone as wonderful as her in my life.. Darling if you read this I am so sorry I hurt you. I love you so much please forgive me! J'adore.

Black Friday!!

It is now 4:08 AM and I have been up since 2:45 AM. I'm not usually much of a morning person and I HATE to shop, but this morning I am excited. Most people think I'm crazy. They say that people are crazy and vicious on Black Friday, but I don't think they're all that bad. I've never had to fight a person for a hot new toy or a purse or anything like that. I find that most of the people are at least nice if not cheerful. And to me it's more about the quality time with my family. We get up and eat breakfast and get dressed and bundle up if it's cold, which is rare in Texas, and we get Starbucks and we go and act goofy and have a blast. We turn on the Christmas music that starts playing on Thanksgiving day and jam out! Well, gotta go! I'll write more later! Have a good day!!

Thanksgiving

Today was a wonderful day for remembering how lucky I am. I have my health, I have my family and friends, so much to be thankful for. We had a great day today. The family gathered around a wonderful meal my mom prepared and we spent the rest of the day watching movies together. My sister even gave me a manicure! Lol. As wonderful as the day was though, I couldn't help missing those who weren't here. Ever since my Aunt Cyndi passed away the family has been so separated. It's sad. I miss the big noisy gatherings. Not that the ones we have now aren't just as special to me, they're cozy and wonderful. I guess I'm just not used to being a small family unit. My mom is one of 5 children and each of them had at least 2 children. Once you add boyfriends and husbands and friends.. well there were always so many people around at the holidays. Today, my brother and his wife went to her aunt's house so there was just the 5 of us, my mom, my dad, my sister, my nana and me. It was weird. I know that our family is growing again... we already have Jenabeth.. but it's still not the same. I hope I'll get used to it eventually so this sad, empty feeling goes away. That's all for tonight.. Have to go to bed so I can get up early in the morning for Christmas shopping! Yay! Goodnight and Happy Thanksgiving!