Hope?

She told me she loved me last night.. it's not the same as it was before, but it's something. I will win her love again. She's my soulmate and I'm not going to let her get away. I love you Beloved.

Grin and Bear it...

I had a horrible day yesterday. It started out just normal.. I got to work and was taking care of Gigi.. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then my friend, texted me that she lost her baby. I was shocked and upset for her and I asked a stupid question. I asked her if she was sure.. What I was trying to ask was what happened.. but it came out wrong and upset her. I hate feeling that I hurt her and her family, that certainly wasn't my intention. But to make it worse, this friend is the daughter of the neighbor I work for. It could be very bad, very awkward if something were to come between us, if I had seriously screwed up with my fumbling, no matter how good my intentions may have been. I called my mom crying and she calmed me down and everything, and since the neighbor called her and gave her the tickets to the rodeo we were supposed to get, I suppose everything's fine.. I just still feel badly. The rest of the day was uneventful until that evening. It should have been so good, my Beloved was actually able to come online and talk to me... But what she said crushed me. She's lost her love for me. She's not sure how she feels. She's promised me that she's here as long as I want her because she's not looking for anyone else.. but how fair is it to tell her to stay when she doesn't love me? Shouldn't I be a big enough person to let her go? I've asked this question before, and I still don't have the answer. I'm not strong enough. My best friend Kevin who I usually vent this stuff to... his fiancee told him she doesn't have feelings for him anymore. She packed up her things and left the apartment they shared. The wedding is off, and he's having to pick up the pieces... So I don't feel right talking to him about this. What happens to me if my Beloved never finds her love for me? What will I do without her? I love her so much... I'm miserable and depressed, and I can't even show it. I have to paste on a smile and act like I'm fine for the sake of my family. The only time I can let these feeling come out is at night when I can sob quietly into my pillow. Even now while I'm writing this at work, I'm having to bite my lip and fight back tears... I wish I could just curl up in a ball under the covers and hide.

Writer's Block

It's so frustrating! I have all of these pictures and I stare at them for so long, and I have what I feel are really good ideas running through my head for so many of them, and yet when I try putting them on paper they come out sounding juvenile and contrite. Ugh!! I suppose I'm not looking at my own writing clearly maybe, but I still know when something sounds stupid. And my attempts thus far sound stupid. -Sigh.- I'll keep trying. I'll eventually get something down on paper that is acceptable.

Back at the hospital

Gigi has bloodclots in both of her legs, so we are back in the hospital again. -Sigh- I think I have mentioned before how much I hate hospitals, but just in case I haven't... I BLOODY HATE HOSPITALS!!!! Lol. We have no idea how long she's going to be here either... the dr who came in this morning said it didn't look like they were ready to release her anytime soon... and I know that they are going to have the physical therapists come in and work with her. That'll put her in a good mood... NOT! Ugh... I think I'm going to start seeing Stroke Shirley before too long. As it is she's already a little more snippy with me than ever before. Maybe she'll be ok when she gets a little rest. Anyway.. in other news.. I have decided that I want to start writing more. I love to write short stories and such, but I've been drawing a blank on what to write about. I have decided to try an exercise I was fond of when I took my Creative Writing class in high school... I will look for pictures and art that I find interesting and inspirational and I will write whatever comes to mind when I look at it. I will eventually try to do the same with music, but for now I will stick with the visual. Hopefully something interesting will come from these practices and I will start writing again. I know it will thrill my mom... She thinks I should be published already and it vexes her that I don't write more often. Lol. Well... I suppose that's all for this blog... I'll be back later with a writing exercise!! Cheers!!

Family Day

You never know how much you miss people until you spend time with them again. My mom's younger sister is here today with her husband and her son. It's wonderful having family members around again. The house has seemed so quiet for the last almost 6 years. I like having family gathered again. :)

Nothing to blog about...

I feel the urge to blog... and yet I have absolutely nothing to write about... very annoying sensation that. -Sigh- I suppose I could write about work, but well... It's boring. Lol. Today, I got there at 6:30 AM as usual. I got Gigi's medicines in order and played on the computer, checking my applications on Facebook (I have a farm and some fish, etc.) and gazing at pictures of my beloved. :) Then, I lay down on the couch and slept for about 30 minutes before Gigi woke up and needed assistance going to the restroom. I helped her walk down the hall and waited around in case she needed help getting up and once she was settled I brought her her pain medication and prilosec and some water. Then she wanted the door closed and the light out so she could rest and let her legs quit hurting. I returned to the couch and napped some more until she called for breakfast around an hour later. I fixed her a breakfast of half an english muffin, practically burned and slathered with butter, just the way she liked it, and a bowl of fruit. She started a new medication called Lyrica today, hopefully it will help with the pain she's been having, as it is for nerve damage, and that seems to be what they think she has. The Lyrica made her dizzy and sleepy, so she laid in her chair and watched tv for a while, and then fell asleep again. During this time, I also napped some more. The reason behind all my sleeping is unknown... Maybe it's boredom, maybe I'm fighting a cold. I'm truly afraid it might be the latter... :( Anyway... She called for lunch around 11:30 and I made her a fold over sandwich and some chips and a glass of tea. When she finished that, we began getting her ready for her dr's appointment at 3 since her son would be there to pick her up around 2:30. She was dressed and ready to go by 1:20. I left her to get a nap, exhausted by the ordeal of putting on clothes, and made my own lunch of a sandwich, chips, and a soda. I read my book and slowly ate my lunch, then cleaned the kitchen and waited for her son to arrive. He was there by 2:18, they were gone by 2:30 and my mother was waiting for me in the driveway by 3:00. I came home and helped her clean the house since I'd found out that a very old, very dear friend of mine was coming for a visit. He arrived at 5, we ate at around 7, and he left at 8. So, Here I am.. bored.. wanting to blog and truly having nothing to blog about blathering on about stuff nobody cares about. Lol. -Sigh- I suppose I could go wash the dishes, but where is the fun in that?? Hmm.. It is 11 PM now though, so I probably should go and get that chore out of the way and get some sleep. Ah well.. Goodnight!! Cheers. :)

Long Time No Blog

I started out blogging quite a bit, but I just kind of quit for a long time. :( I have trouble organizing thoughts sometimes. Plus... I'm boring. Lol. I don't have anything very exciting going on in my life at the moment. My Beloved is super busy with her studies and such right now so we haven't been able to talk much... It's driving me crazy missing her, but I am trying to be patient and supportive. Of course I'll wait for her for an eternity if need be. J'adore ma cherie! Anyway.. All I've been doing lately is working and hanging out with the family. We have our niece every weekend, which is wonderful. :D I love being an aunt. We've also gone bowling quite a bit lately. I'm not very good, but I enjoy it. We're trying to save money at the moment to buy a house. We're so excited about that... Mom says we should be in our house by March!! I can't wait to have my very own room in our very own house!! I'll have my desk, and my own internet access... It'll be great to have a little bit of freedom. I don't mind living at home at 25 really... I know I have it good. I don't pay rent or anything... I help out when and where I can, but other than that, not much is expected of me... But sometimes I just need something that feels like my own space. I have my own room, but it isn't MINE. My nana has all of her stuff in it, and she's constantly worried about something happening to it... I just wanna be comfortable in my room again. Anyway... So... to summarize... all I've been doing is working, bowling, spoiling my niece and most of all, missing my Beloved. At work, Gigi's daughter has decided that she needs a new schedule... Getting her up early and making her do some of her exercises from her physical therapists... I know it's good for her, but she HATES it! Lol. It makes her so cranky. Thank God she keeps telling me that it's not my fault... I'd hate to see what she would do if she thought it was my idea!! -shudders- Lol. Much to my horror, I'm beginning to become interested in soap operas. It's terrible. Lol. Mostly General Hospital, and I watched that with my mother when I was younger... But it kills me that I actually care what happens in the stupid thing. Lol. Anyway... I'm starting to get hungry... That's the problem with eating breakfast in the mornings... I'm always starving by 11:30 or noon. Blah. Lol. Well, I'm off to eat lunch!! Cheers! :D