Hurt.....

She doesn't think about me much anymore. I just don't cross her mind. My heart has been ripped from my chest. It actually hurts to breathe. And what's worse.. I can't show it. I still have to be strong and pretend I'm ok for my family. I have to smile and act like my heart is still intact, still beating and healthy inside of me. But it's not. It's across the ocean in a far away place. And it hurts. I hope that she's not thinking of me because she's busy.. but I can't be sure that's what it is. Overcome with depression. At least tonight I can curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. Not that it's a new thing.. I do that quite often lately. But I wish I could stop. I wish I could win her heart back. I wish she'd realize we're Soulmates.. I'm so tired.. but I don't want to give up on her. It's my fault.. I'm pathetic.

Life

So.. dad got a call today.. He called a friend of his a couple of days ago and the guy finally called back. He's got an interview Friday with the place.. they're willing to pay the $25 an hour dad wants and he'd get a service van!! It's so great! The guy says that the interview is really just a formality, so it looks like dad could have a job by next week!! It's so awesome.. I'm really optimistic about it. :) The Flow Process Technologies position I interviewed for however... -sigh- they still haven't made a decision. The longer I wait the more scared I am. I'm still hopeful that they will call me sometime this week though. As for any other job, I've got nothin. I'm miserable. Cheers.

Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!

I am soooo frustrated!! That stupid job STILL hasn't made a hiring decision!! The lady who does the hiring (The Owner's Wife) hasn't come into the office at all this week!! That's just rude. Not only am I waiting to find out if I got the job, but 8 other people interviewed for it!! Not only that, but Carolyn told me that she really needs someone to help her in the office! I guess just because this woman has money she doesn't think about the consequences of her actions on other people. My next door neighbor, and recent employer, knows the guy and says that the wife is just really lazy. I'm so sick of waiting around. On the upside.. I've got half a manicure.. Lol. Momma's doing a manicure for me but she had to stop to go pick up my sister from school. Lol. She's totally freaking out, saying they look awful.. but they don't!! They look really good for this being the first time she's ever done them!! Plus, I don't go anywhere so who cares!! She wants me to get my nails done at the salon tomorrow when Staci does, but I refuse. I'm not spending that money needlessly. Staci is going to Prom, she has a reason for getting her nails done.. I don't. I'm not going to lie.. I would love to go get my nails professionally done.. I would love for us all to be able to get our nails done.. including momma! But.. I'm not going to spend that money. Especially when I need heart medications. When/if I get a job, then I'll think about getting them done professionally. Until then.. I'm happy with a home job. :) I miss my Beloved.

Mother's Day

We had a nice Mother's Day today. We started out working along the fence line again and we worked for about an hour and a half before Nana came home and cooked brunch. Then we came in and ate and I cleaned up the kitchen and we watched The Blindside. It was a very sweet, very touching movie and I loved it! Beloved, if you have not seen it yet you should watch it you would adore Sandra Bullock's southern accent in it! ;) Lol. After that I marinated the steaks for dinner and we watched some more tv. Then Jena came over and we got to play with her and eat a wonderful dinner of steak and vegetables! Then Sissy cleaned the kitchen tonight.. which secretly was my favorite part! Lol. Now everyone's in bed and I am headed there shortly. I love you my darling Beloved!

Insomnia Attacks!

So.. I don't know if I got too much caffeine today, or if it was the long nap I took earlier when I was feeling bad, but I'm having a major insomnia attack. I'm simply not sleepy. Normally I would be talking to my Beloved right now.. but she's still busy and unsure and I do not get to talk to her very much at all anymore. Throw on top of that the fact that she's spending a lot of time.. even more than usual.. with the one friend I'm incredibly jealous and worried about. -Sigh- I just have too much going on in my life. I have a job I'm waiting to find out if I got.. I had an interview on Wednesday and I thought I would find out on Friday if it was mine or not but.. no dice. She was still interviewing Friday. I think she liked me, but I'm not sure if someone with more experience showed up what would she do? The job is perfect too and far more than needing it I WANT it! The starting pay is $11 an hour.. with a possible increase after 30-90 days. Full health insurance and severely discounted vision and dental. It's an office clerk position and it's literally right around the corner from my house! 3 miles. That's it. I can ride a bike. I would have my own office.. It's just a supremely cool job. And I'm sooo scared I'm not going to get it. I don't want to go back to looking for a job! I'm afraid of so much lately. I'm afraid my Beloved is never going to love me again, that I've lost her forever. I'm afraid I won't get this job and get back to school. I'm afraid my family is going to go hungry because the damned economy is so bad that my dad won't be able to find a job either. Life sucks sometimes. Optimism is severely tested. I feel myself sinking into a depression and there are no handholds on the way down the tunnel. Can someone throw me a rope? J'adore Beloved! Cheers.